The Magic Horn

Forbid the Vehicle to Drive in Wrong Direction

Simon

China

I am currently suffering from road rage! I am not usually easy to wind up and I’m typically pretty chilled, but of late, I cant help myself from shouting and cursing while in the saddle. I have even made up new strings of swear words (which can’t possibly be repeated here), after exhausting my supply in South America.

Why, you might ask? Well, basically it’s due to the terrible Chinese driving and excessive use of their horn (you might even say that the Chinese are very Horny). It reminds me of the Father Ted episode, when Dougal can’t wait to use his “magic sponge” in the “All Priests Over-75s Five-a-Side Football Challenge” and reckons that it can sort out everything, much like the Chinese and their horns. It seems that the horn will cure all sorts of driving ailments, such as….

If you’re overtaking in a tunnel and there’s a car in your way  

beep your horn.

If you’re driving on the wrong side of a motorway

beep your horn.

If there’s a fallen tree in your way

beep your horn.

If you’re passing an Irish cyclist

beep your horn.

While passing the cyclist, it is best to wait until the last possible moment, then beep it for as long, loud and hard as possible, as if you’re about to plough into his backside. That’ll really scare the sh*t out of him! It seems that Al agrees with me about the dodgy Chinese driving, I loved his how-to blog, which from what I can tell, has been incorporated into the Chinese drivers manual:

It is easy to drive Chinese-style; indeed you could even try it out this evening on your way home from work. Here’s how:
1: set out to be as annoying as possible. Bear that in mind at ALL times. Now enjoy some or all of these strategies, either one at a time or simultaneously:
2: meander from lane to lane as your fancy takes you.
3: drive very fast in the slow lane, or very slow in the fast lane.
4: beep your horn at all times, especially when it is completely unnecessary.
5: never use your mirrors.
6: when you have to pull out into traffic, do just that. Pull out into the traffic. Waiting for a gap is for wimps – it is much easier to let the fellow driving at top speed on the highway hoot in panic and swerve wildly out of your way.
7: occasionally drive the wrong way down the carriageway. Get annoyed if people get annoyed at you.
8: when you tire of these games go fetch your flock of sheep and wander with them down the road.
Have fun!

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2 thoughts on “The Magic Horn

  1. MENSAJE DESDE ARGENTINA PARA MARINA,SIMON Y FEARSHAL,
    HOLA CHICOS COMO ESTAN ESPERO QUE MUY BIEN NO LES HABIA ESCRITO ANTES PORQUE SE ME EXTRAVIO EL PAPEL EN EL CUAL FERSHAL ME ESCRIBIO SU DIRECCION DE CORREO EN ESTE MOMENTO ESTOY INTENTANDO SUBIR LAS FOTOS QUE SE SACARON EN LA VERDE CHACO ARGENTINA MUCHOS SALUDOS ESPERO SU PRONTA RESPUESTA ADRIANA Y ESTE ES MI CORREO ADRY.ROUSE@HOTMAIL.COM.

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